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Why do you need to heal?

More than an informative blog, this one in particular is an introspective blog. Its a different style to how I usually write. I’m here expressing the answer for this question, which I've been searching for years, despite doing the healing anyway.

It seems a very odd, to-the-point-of-stupid question. Why do you need to heal? Why do you need to heal? Why do you need to heal? Why do you need to heal? Every single permutation doesn’t make this question very different.

When I started healing (a caveat here - I am not attacking anyone or anything, be it the culture I come from, the upbringing I’ve had, the social circles I’ve been part of, none at all. I am expressing my views and my answer to the question I have posed)

Where were we before this tangent? Oh yeah, when I started healing 🙂

I became aware of my rather unhealthy lifestyle, the-not-very apt choices I was making, the negatively-uncomfortable situations I was encountering, and whispered to myself “I don't want to be like this anymore”. 

Many days I didn't listen to that whisper, though it was there, always, in the back of my head, plaguing my dreams, pushing me to listen. I saw it grow louder the more I tried to ignore it. When I couldn't handle the chaos of conflicting thoughts in my head anymore, I made the choice to change.

To me, it wasn’t “healing” at that point. It was a desperation to do something, anything, to get out and break free from the cage I had put myself into. Looking back, that’s exactly the starting point of any healing journey, isn’t it? The promise of a better tomorrow, nay even a glimpse of its potential, gives you insane levels of strength to push through the murky waters of today.

Though I am damn proud of how expansively I’ve grown in the past years, I somehow didn’t like the premise of ‘I don't want to be like this anymore’ that pushed me to heal initially. 

There is nothing shameful about how I was! In fact, it was a highly accepted way of being.

I was an ever-burnt-out horse running behind the many illusory carrots that dangled in front, my own narrow mindset being the blinders preventing me from taking a pause!

A piteous site to behold - yes.

A harmful state of mind - definitely.

A disgraceful way of living? No. 

This grew the existing thought I had, of “Why do I need to heal?”

I was comfortable, I was living, I felt accepted, I felt needed.

Then why did I even change?

Because I rarely felt true happiness, when I was that past version of me. 

I felt lots of external validation, and rarely an internal validation.

I felt I had to take permission to do what I wanted to do.

I didn't feel free. I didn't feel peace.

The bed I slept in was made of thorns of my unsatiated dreams from an unfulfilled life.

After days, weeks, months of building myself into a happier version, that bed had grown softer. I had to sleep at a certain angle to avoid the thorns, which were scattered here and there. I used to comfort myself stating “It's okay, at least the bed isn't fully thorns anymore. It’ll take too much effort to make it totally soft. Let’s adjust and sleep as is

Which I did, for a few months. Cocooned by the lockdown, in the corners of a very familiar home, I began stagnating. Bursts of creativity here and there to soothe the wounds caused by the thorns on the nights where I tried to rest free.

Lockdown was lifted, reality struck.

Everyday battles were faced in the outside world. I would be utterly exhausted but I didn’t want to come home and rest on the thorn bed. All I could see now were the thorns that didn’t allow me to rest completely. 

I slept on the floor, yearning for the softness of the bed.

Days, weeks, months of sleeping on the floor later, my mind tried to soothe me stating “It's good you’re avoiding the thorns altogether. At least you can sleep freely. Let’s adjust and sleep

Ah, how could I adjust and sleep?

Dreams filled with the bed’s softness, heart inflamed with a desire to make the bed the softest and sleep there in peace. Mind filled with fear to leave the known floor. What if I lost what I had, in an attempt to attain the unknown utter softness of what I had yet to experience?

This is when it struck me why.

Why my premise of shame was not helping me anymore.

Why my bed had those thorns.

Why I wasn’t able to sleep in peace.

The thorns, alas, were the shame I had fed myself as I grew!!!

The thorns, alas, were a persistent warning to me, to “not be that person”

Why would I be that person anyway?

I knew logically, rationally, that it was harmful to me.

Why wouldn’t I be that person anyway?

I knew emotionally, subconsciously, that it was very comfortable to me.

With a deep breath, I allowed myself to feel how she, that past me, had felt then. 

Eyes darting around in hunger, lungs pumping just enough for sustenance, never up to full capacity. A heart that kept racing, a mind that kept jumping onto whatever would provide dopamine. An unregulated nervous system that so easily fluctuated to the whims of the external environment.

She was a person who was desperately seeking approval, and who secretly dreamed, to just be herself, at any point, anywhere, with anyone.

With a deep breath out, I let my tears fall. 

I arrived at my answer. Why do you need to heal?

I need to heal and continue healing, to fulfill & keep fulfilling, the dream of that past me.

I did. I made the decision.

I chose to continue building myself using the faith in a beautiful future, rather than the regrets of a scar filled past. By creating a peaceful lifestyle, by making choices that feel right & logical for me, by embracing & tackling all situations with a confident smile.

I opened my eyes to see the bed.

The bed was finally soft. It has been soft since then.


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